Dr. N. Alscentglands
Nasir al-Scentglands, more commonly known simply as Dr. N. Alscentglands, was a generic enemy that made his debut in Crash Bandicoot: The Gamening. One of the richest Afghani-Musteloids in the world, he has become world-renowned for both his anal scent glands, and his love of not letting women do stuff and junk. Oh, and also his medical hijinx. Early Life and Career Nasir al-Scentglands was born in 1974 in New York City. His father, Nayef al-Scentglands, was a successful professional surgeon; his wife, Najya, was a stay-at-home scarf rack. By all accounts, they were a happy family, and Nasir was fairly popular at school. By the age of 16, he was becoming popular with the ladies. His black fur was exotic to them, while his white fur made him seem a little less dangerous. They were all, of course, ignorant of his true heritage. But our glorious American government found out and, with the invention of the famous Gulf War in 1990, saw their perfect opportunity to deport the al-Scentglandses. They shipped the family off to Tribesanistan under the mistaken impression, based on its name, that it was in the Middle East. Nasir hated his new home. He blamed his parents for being the reason he was forced to move away from the many white women he was coming close to successfully sexxxing with. This hatred, of his father in particular, led Nasir to give up on his father's insane notion of conventional modern medicine, in favour of pursuing "alternative medicine", a bit of New Age hippie claptrap that gets its name because it is an alternative to actual medicine. Get a haircut already! Jesus Christ! Anyway, after graduating from Wilson "Hock Dry" Spittle High School in 1992, Nasir immediately enrolled in the Samuel "Poof Poof" Pooferiscowicz School of Alternative Medicine and Alternative Law, graduating in a record three years with a degree in Aromatherapy, much to his father's chagrin. It is here that he first met his good skunky friend, Charleston O'Donoghue, who was working as the school janitor. On Charleston's advice, Nasir al-Scentglands "Tribesanistanised" his exotic-sounding foreign name to Dr. N. Alscentglands. Appearances On His Obesity's Secret Service (1996) Dr. N's performance in the SPPPSAM was so outstanding that even Tribesanistan's recently elected President Jerome Papupapudopoulos took notice. Worried that being overweight was hampering his approval ratings, Papu Papu was seeking a doctor to aid him in weight loss, and his assistants told him that this newfangled alternative medicine was the wave of the future. As such, the fat man promised to pay the black-and-white mammal handsomely for his quasi-medical assistance. Of course, his constituents would be enraged if they found out he was spending taxpayer money on herbal liposuction, so he had to make up a more acceptable government-sounding official title for Dr. N. Alscentglands. After much brainstorming, Prezzy Pop-Pop dubbed Dr. N. Alscentglands his Official Secretary Guardianship of Papupapusburgh's Natural Stone Cheese Resources, and in order to keep the illusion going he spent a little bit of time each week in the Jungle Rollers and Rolling Stones Districts guarding the local supply. However, since this was largely just a cover for his actual, frivolous medical-based work, Dr. N. Alscentglands was obviously largely helpless when a threat to the Stone Cheese actually surfaced, in the form of Crash Bandicoot: The Characterening on his first of entirely too many adventures. Even creating long lines of herbal clones of himself couldn't save Dr. N. Alscentglands from defeat. Dr. N. Alscentglands Needs Speed! (2004) After his public failure at defending Tribesanistan's rich natural Stone Cheese deposits, Dr. N. Alscentglands was suddenly in terrible standing with the public. Still, this wasn't enough to make President Papu Papu fire him. The Commander in Chub had become slightly less Commander in Chubby, by two and a half pounds! He was ecstatic! His head political advisors, Advisory Spencer and Doesn't Actually Exist in the Game Continuity Sheldon, tried hard to convince him to fire Alscentglands to protect his public reputation, but he would have none of it. Then, they had the brilliant idea to tell Papu that Dr. N. Alscentglands was actually Nasir al-Scentglands, a Muslim. This did not sit well with the conservative Head of State, who liked Jesus Christ very, very much. Dr. N. Alscentglands was terminated immediately. Due to the sudden loss of his high-paying gummymint gig, Alscentglands was in dire financial trouble. He had to sell his suburban dream house, and move in with Charleston O'Donoghue in his icky inner-city Wumpartment, where the two wallowed in their low-income poverty broth for several years. The public hated Alscentglands now, and would not trust him with their fake medicine needs anymore. And, of course, Charleston was a pathetic college dropout who was barely capable of holding a job in the first place. As such, the duo turned to the one profession immediately available to them: using Ennie's alternative medical know-how and Charleston's street smarts to start up a successful herbal meth operation. Though initially it looked as though their lives were heading uphill, they soon made the same mistake as Colonel Harland David "I'm Too Drunk to Taste This Chicken" Sanders - they tried their own product, eventually leading to their own professional downfall. By the time the events of Crash and Cortex Are the Ill-Suited Stand-Ins for Ren and Stimpy in Some Douchebag Writer From Said Show's Pathetic Attempt to Keep His Non-Career Going rolled around, Alscentglands and O'Donoghue were reduced to little more than, um....shooting up, or smoking, or, um, snorting, or, uhhhhh, however the devil you take that stuff, I don't really know.....yeah, doing that, and roaming the woods of Jungle Bungle aimlessly. They were so high that quite often they could only manage to amble back and forth in the same spot, a notion that Charleston found depressing enough to use as justification for suicide-by-bandicop. Deeply affected by this horrific incident, Dr. N. Alscentglands vowed to get clean and become a skunk he could be proud of again. Later Life In 2005, Dr. N. Alscentglands entered hypnotherapy as a patient of Dr. N. Trance, who was doing very little else at the time, because he sucked as a character, big time. Using only the pure power of hypnosis, the non-Robotnik non-Eggman egg-shaped doctor managed to cure Nasir's Crystal meth addiction, and also, to mentally prevent him from ever trying the even more dangerous Gem meth. The next year, Alscentglands published his memoir, A Million Little Pieces, which was ostensibly a tale of the hardships he underwent during hypno-detox. In actuality, it was little more than direct word-for-word plagiarism of James Frey's semi-fictional memoir of the same name, just replacing Frey's name with his own and any mentions of cracked cocaines with crystal-style meths. He was never challenged on this, however, because there are no anti-plagiarism laws in Tribesanistan. In fact, the public loved "his" book, and it effectively launched Alscentglands's return to the limelight; due to his newfound popularity, in 2007 he made several cameos on popular Tribesanistani television programmes, including the situation comedy Two and a Half Tribesmen, the music chart programme Top-u of the Papus, and the medical mystery drama Hut. He even provided a guest voice for The Simpsons because, honestly, who hasn't done so at this point? Tribesanistani television executives were so pleased with his stage presence that they approached him to host his own talk show, Dr. N. Alscentglands' Anal Common Sense Glands, which launched in 2008. In the series, Alscentglands forces practical but unsolicited herbal psychological advice onto unsuspecting families, and during sweeps week, unsuspecting celebrities suffering from alcoholism. A smash success, the programme has won multiple Afternoon Tubies. As of 2009, Alscentglands is also augmenting his income by being the beloved commercial spokesman for Cap'n Barnacle's Briny Blue brand tomato soup, ironically enough. Trivia *In the first game, steady streams of Dr. N. Alscentglands clones attack in straight lines, giving Crash an easy opportunity to earn large amounts of Wumpa Fruit from killing them in rapid succession, perhaps a sly parody of the way that Muslims may or may not believe that they receive large amounts of virgin chixxx in the afterlife for killing others in rapid succession at the same times as themselves. Not coincidentally, the famous Mark Cerny is an outspoken critic of this facet of Muslimocity, believing a mere seventy-two virgins to be completely insubstantial to last an entire afterlifetime. (Lest we forget, he likes the sex, and lots of it.) *Interestingly, in Crash Bandicoot: The Gamening, Dr. N. Alscentglands, the famous skunk, only appears in levels named after famous bands. Not coincidentally, "skunk" is also a term used to refer to particularly potent varieties of the drug marijuana, which most famous band members enjoy immensely. Also not coincidentally, Mark Mothersbaugh was a member of a famous band called Devo. See the connection here??? See Also Maybies? *Telleroogi Penguin - took over the role of black-and-white-enemy-that-attacks-in-endless-droves in Crash Bandicoot 2: Sequel Edition Category:Characters Category:Guys Who Have Been Both Black and White Category:Smarty Pants Category:Tribesanistani Politicians